Clearly Distorted News, in Black and White

Archaeology: Democrats Seize House and Senate. Bush Surprised that Americans Finally Noticed

In Tuesdays election the Democrats swept the GOP, not only in the House, which was widely expected, but also in the Senate. The Democrats achieved this less on their own merits or agenda than on a snowballing hatred of the Republican party and Mr. Bush himself, who everyone has finally decided is an evil and sniveling Alfred E. Newman at heart. This may be news to America, but it is not news to Bush, who ever since birth has looked in the mirror and seen lil Alfred the joke President of Mad Magazine fame. “Im actually surprised America cares that Im a lousy president,” said Bush. “Theyve looked past my so-called imperfections for a long time. I really am disappointed that they just look the other way for another couple years. Thats not the America I know,” Bush joked. But for Sheryl and Freddy Waltoncraft Splintenburg, Mo, one of the key states to toss out the Republican Senators, things look different: “We always knew Bush was a loser,” said Freddy, “we just felt– as losers ourselves — that we wanted to pick one of our own.” Many of Americas greatest losers, who helped put Bush in office, apparently twice stayed home. “We just didnt get out the loser base,” admits Republican Party head, Keith Mailman.