Clearly Distorted News, in Black and White

Archaeology: Walmart Website Hit by Terrorists

Although news outlets reported that Wal-Mart was hit by traffic disruption due to online holiday shopping, in fact the real case of the blank pages innocent consumers faced when trying to by such articles as goldtoe socks, 34-packs of gatorade, and large tins of chopped nuts was a virus attack perpetrated by al-Qaeda. Security experts suspect that the “Death to America” worm had its origins in a type of spider hole underneath a home in the prestigious Mansur neighborhood of Bagdad, the kind of place once favored by the mucky-mucks in the Regieme of former leader of Iraq, Saddam Hussein. The Bush administration has issued a statement saying that these are the kinds of attacks that the troops are fighting to prevent. Bush also warned that the public can expect that democrats will not be as tough on viruses as the Republicans. “I think we will see more of these vicious al-Qaeda type of attacks now that the Democrats control the congress,” said Bush through a representative. But Nancy Pill-osi, the emerging speaker of the house disagrees. “The Democrats are very tough when it comes to al-Qaeda style attacks. We support the right of the consumer to buy chopped nuts over the internet.” Regardless, more virus attacks are planned for the holiday season. Target, Wall-Mart, and clothing retailers like the Gap.com may be next. “Once the terrorists start targeting the Targets of the world,” they are not going to let up,” warned Security Expert Steve Klum of Kray Roberts and Associates, a Massachusetts firm. “I suggest everybody start shopping for christmas early this year.”