Clearly Distorted News, in Black and White

Archaeology: Collapsing Cliffs reveal Britains Misery

Archaeologists from the Ancient Human Occupation of Britain Project have revealed the layers of misery in early attempts to make Britain habitable. Over the last 700k years, our fish like tree dwelling ancestors attempted to habit the land, but at least seven or eight times were driven back as the fury of the climactic conditions attacked with freezing climates, dampness, fog, deadly Rhinocerous, and mainlanders culture from France. Collapsing cliffs in East Anglia and results from a quarry in Lynford have revealed everything but that which could have saved these early settlers: Shoes. Thats right, the Shoe Event Horizon. The Shoe Shop Intensifier Ray manufactured by Dolmansaxlil Shoe Corporation would have allowed these early unhappy neandrathals to look Up, towards the Shoe Event Horizon, and achieved the joy due to all sentient beings caught in the act of always purchasing a new pair of shoes. You may push the button. The danger in this of course is that a market glut of badly made shoes could have turned us all into a race of giant birds. Auk.