Clearly Distorted News, in Black and White

Kulture: Crowds Gather to Mourn the Death of the Individual

Crowds gathered today from as far away as Tashkent, Uzbekistan and Peoria, Illinois to mourn the sudden unexpected Death of the Individual. “We were in our monthly SCRUM meeting when the news came in over our Blackberries. We were shocked,” stated the Marketing Division of Bear Stearns. “Our group was highly unprepared.” Although the N.O.A.I. has stated there may be a few wandering individuals still out there, they were becoming increasingly hard to spot. “The pattern of migration has so far eluded our models, but we are reasonably sure there are still some out there, somewhere,” the official N.O.A.I. statement read. “The recent increase in the availability of Broadband, including the Broadband over Gas Lines, Broadband over Power Lines, Fibre Optic, Cable, and DSL Telephone lines, UbiComp Technology, the Federal and Market Required Upgrade of Homes to Networked Homes, in addition to the Broadcast Wireless and Satellite coverage of Space Tourism, have all converged to make most of the habitats in which Individuals thrive highly compromised in their ability to sustain a population.” Meanwhile, more and more autobusses are arriving in Washington, D.C., where the funeral is being held. On a promising note, the World Organization Of has said there is hope that a new genetic technique may allow an Individual to be cloned. Beijing will host a conference next month on the hopes of becoming the first nation to ReBirth a true Individual.