Clearly Distorted News, in Black and White

Live from New Orleans: An Eastern Neurotic Visits the Crescent City

After five rounds of recruiting and then firing present and former crack heads, I really could use some competent help, I confessed. The next day my phone rang. It was a guy who used to work for me almost ten years ago, but in a completely differet business, as a computer programmer– Wayne.
“I’m looking for work,” he said.
“Wayne. Bad news. I’m no longer in the computer business. I’m in New Orleans. Doing construction work in a disaster zone. Besides,” I said with a tinge of self-pity, “I only hire crackheads.” ” I figured that would be the end of it, but it wasn’t.
“Construction… construction… huh!” says Wayne. “Well I can paint.”
“Uh. Paint. You know that it doesnt really fit your profile. The best painters are tough guys that speak no English and have wives and children south of the border. It doesn’t pay much. And besides there is a housing crisis. No place to live.”
“I can bring a sleeping bag.”
“Wayne– what’s come over you– the city is toxic– chemical spilled, houses flooded. Dangerous place. You don’t even smoke cigarettes. This is what happens here. You’ve seen the news. You’d hate it here.”
There was a silence on the end of the line.
“Look Wayne I want to help I really do…”
“You’d be surprised how much I can do”, said a subdued voice, “I can paint, I can fix cars– I really need the cash. I’m broke, eating pasta in Philly. Maybe you need someone to drop off materials.”
Without realizing it Wayne in his uncannily accurate way had zoomed in on one of the most difficult aspects of the construction business at least as we face it, here in New Orleans: materials and getting them to the job.
“That’s insightful, Wayne. There is a lot of driving around with materials. But it is a very confusing, illogical city. The drivers we hire are local experts who can navigate through traffic.
“I delivered pizzas in Baltimore,” said Wayne, referring to his highschool job which he eventually lost apparently because he refused to deliver meat pizza. “Its healthier to eat vegetables. And with so much salt in the cheese its such a good opportunity to skip the meat.”
“It would be good for me to be in New Orleans,” said Wayne with the typical frankness of the selfish.
If it hadnt been for the fact that I’d been living surrounded by strangers and been hiring crackheads, I dont think I would have gone any further. But I did. “Well the company needs a website” I told Wayne, “I suppose you could work on that… I don’t want you near a paint brush, you understand?” And there is no place to live here. I guess you can sleep on my floor of my living room”. I dreaded this.
And so just like that Wayne– the quintessential overeducated neurotic was on his way to one of the most violent and backward, good ol’ boy, parts of the country. It seemed doubtful that he would be here long.