Clearly Distorted News, in Black and White

Live from New Orleans: My assistant at work

“My god John. Its only ten oclock. I just left them at a quarter to nine. It takes fifteen minutes to get to home depot and they wanted all this wood, and Im already sweating. And I had to carry all this wood and its about to break my van. And Peter and them are still tearing off the porch anyway. Theyre working. And now I have to go back over the bridge becase Chris wants liquid nails and Han says hes ignoring him. I dont have any money so I cant get the lunches. And youll have to tell Cameron that hes just going to have to wait. And Jeff too. Did you want me to pick up Mike so he can go over there? “Forget about Mike. Did you get the hinges?” “What? John I cant hear you! I cant hear you! Theyre banging.” “Did you get the hinges?” “No! I havent gotten the hinges! When Jon? Chris needs liquid nails. and the Priest is not happy with the tile work. He says that the corners arent straight and the color isnt uniform.” “Darla. Would you get the hinges please?” “If I go and get the hinges Peter is going to throw a fit that he cant tear off the porch.” “I need you to get the goddamn hinges.” “OK John. Im going to drop everything and go down to Carrolton and when I get over there Siraq isnt even going to be there. I know it. I know it. And you are going to be yelling and screaming. I dont know what Im going to do. (starting to cry).” “Look Darlene. I think you are really doing a great job. You are. Its not easy to deal with all these people. Just take a deep breath. Darla baby someone is on the other line. Just do me a favor and get those hinges. OK? –2 minutes later– “(crying and whining) JOHN! I locked my keys in the van. I just cant take it whenever you get angry with me… ” “Alright calm down. Ill get Rebecca to go over to the shop and get the spare.” “John Im so sorry. Peter is calling me…” “D– would you please calm down.” “Will you tell Peter to stop calling me that I–” John I have to go.” “Here they come, bringing the stuff down. I have to go I have to go I have to go…”